20 Things I’ve Learnt Since Becoming a Mother

1. Breast feeding is the best and worst thing you will ever do (should you choose to do it). The first few weeks might feel like you’re shooting razor blades out of your nipples – and your little guzzler won’t care – but I promise it does get better. Just invest in a lot of Lanolin.
2. Swimming during the school holidays is like being dumped in the middle of the Hunger Games which is taking place on board the Titanic. The baby pool is savage.
3 Speaking of swimming; if you want your baby to sleep, take them in the pool. They will be knocked out for the rest of the day!
4. You can and most probably will squirt yourself/your baby/anyone within a 1 mile radius in the eye with your breast milk. It never stops being funny.
5. No matter how drunk you are when you stagger home with cheesy chips and your heels in your hands, you will sober up as soon as your baby cries. Thank the Lord  for mummy instincts!
6. Also, hangovers and a baby aren’t the greatest combo but you can and will survive it.
7. There are whole new levels of sass when it comes to defending/protecting your child.
8. It’s a parent’s prerogative to  turn into one of those a-holes who takes up the pavement with your pram and not won’t feel any shame.
9. No matter how much blue or pink you dress your baby in, old ladies will still ask if it’s a boy or girl and then proceed to call him a her and vice versa.
10. When you become a mum, you don’t need to pay for haircuts again because your little sweetheart will rip your hair out for you.
11. Your face will come into contact with pretty much every fluid that your baby’s body can produce and you won’t care. At all.
12. Night feeds are the perfect time to catch up on your favourite box sets.
13. It is okay to swaddle your baby until it looks like it’s in a straight jacket to get it to sleep.
14. Giving birth is nothing like you see on tv.
15. Not even kissing Zac Efron would come close to getting a drool-filled kiss from your baby.
16. Once you run out of nursery rhymes, it’s perfectly acceptable to sing Beyonce/Jay Z/Drake to your baby. Probably not Kanye though.
17. You can sing any words to the tune of a nursery rhyme and your baby will love it.
18. Nothing in this world will make you feel happier (or more smug) than your baby smiling at you.
19. It is possible to breast feed and create an eyeliner wing that is 10x sharper than those razor blades coming out of your nipples.
20. Dummy roulette adds a bit of excitement to any parent’s day. To play all you need to do is buy only ONE dummy and then spend your days frantically searching for it while simultaneously praying that your baby won’t have a meltdown before you find it.

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